Sunday, 3 January 2016

Anxiety.


This is 100% the hardest thing I have ever had to write, I've put it off for a while, but I know a lot of people may be able to relate to this, and so I will feel less alone.



I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, but only in the last few years have I come to terms with what it actually is and means. Thinking back, I have always been an anxious, shy, nervous, quiet individual, in primary school I would never raise my hand to answer a question, and would dread the moments when the teacher would pick on people to answer. I started to dread going to lessons, and would often pretend I was poorly so I could have days off school. I've always been a well-behaved pupil at school, the only 'negative' thing on my reports would be that I was too quiet and didn't contribute enough in class. It was only yesterday after reading courtneydoesbeauty.co.uk blog post that I realised, this isn't something that should have been pointed out to me time and time again, what's wrong with being shy and anxious? Why have I always seen that as a bad thing, it wasn't because I was too lazy to contribute, it was because I found it impossible to. Courtney's blog post really inspired me to write this today, and it really opened my eyes.

I was bullied throughout my time in primary school, and I found myself becoming isolated and unhappy constantly, and I think this is partly the reason I now suffer from my mental health. Then high school came, where the bullying continued (which still haunts me to this day). Again, I was extremely shy, quiet, isolated and anxious. I was incredibly upset about my appearance and had no confidence whatsoever, I felt like everyone thought me weird and a freak. I guess this is what caused my imagination to expand, I have a vivid mind, and I try to escape reality constantly by wishing I was someone else, living a completely different life, it's hard to explain, so I won't go into this. I hated going to lessons, I hated being around people, I hated being picked on to give answers, again I would pretend I was poorly to not attend school, high school was hard. P.E was the biggest fear for me, I've always hated it, the anxiety has been there since primary school, I would always fake being poorly, the thought of playing sports with competitive people, it made me feel sick. People have always laughed and seen me as being stupid for not being the best at catching, hitting a ball, playing football etc... it got so bad in year 11, I would again make excuses not to attend.

Even by year 11 where I was older and slightly more happy with my appearance by now and my year group, the anxiety never went away. I dread and fear presentations, speaking in front of people, it made me so poorly, that again, I would miss those lessons. The feelings I get in these situations, it's unexplainable really. I feel sick, my whole body goes numb, I shake, I feel dizzy, it's a horrible feeling, and if I were to describe my feelings and experiences of school, I would be able to write a novel.

The other anxieties I experience is being around people, I constantly feel judged, even when I just walk past strangers in the street, my first thought is that they are laughing at me, pointing out all my flaws. Thus, I am not a sociable person whatsoever, I can count my friends on one hand, I've always been the person to have no friends, and this has resulted in me constantly feeling alone and invisible, I have wished and wished I could have an amazing friendship group. My anxiety has stopped me from getting a job. Which is one of the most difficult things ever. The struggle for money is real, but the struggle to get a job is harder. At the age of 16 I once got a job as a waitress, I hated it so much, I hated being around people, I hated talking to customers, I didn't understand what I was doing. I felt so sick and dizzy, that I quit after one day. I apply for jobs, then turn down all my interviews, I cannot find the confidence to get myself a job, I feel sick at the thought of being around people. I also recently quit my driving lessons, due to having an anxiety and panic attack when taking my mock test. I felt extremely anxious when driving, even though I had been taking lessons for 9 months, I didn't understand anything, I could not drive, and was anxious and panicky when my instructor booked me my test, the week before, I quit. I've tried taking the Kalms tablets, but I don't think they really did anything for me, I've purchased the Kalm book, and I started listening to relaxing sounds at night like ocean waves and rain, but I think the best thing for me, is to pull myself together and go to the doctors, get real help.

I hate the hospital, doctors, dentist, my anxiety is like never before when I visit these places. My legs shake, my body is numb, I feel like I am going to be sick, I cry and cry and cry. I hate being ill. I hate having physical illnesses just as much as I hate having mental illnesses. I have turned down so many treatments to get me physically better, I have put off having a tooth taken out for two years now, other treatments for years, the thought of injections, surgery, just being in those dreaded places, is enough to send me crazy. I'm too scared to go to the doctors about the struggles I'm having with my mind, mentally, I feel anxious about going to the doctors, so how do I get myself there to talk about these problems. I am so weak at anything to do with hospitals, doctors, dentist, blood, injections, but it's not just a simple 'ew', I feel like I'm going to pass out. Even if someone mentions it, or I'm watching a video on it, I begin to sweat, my heart rate increases, my body twitches and won't stay still, I feel like I am going to throw up, I feel dizzy and like I'm going to faint. Even just from watching drug, hospital etc videos in PSHCE lessons, I had to distract myself from watching or listening in those lessons, it got so bad my mum had to write a letter to say if I could go out of the class. I remember being this way in year 6, after watching a drug video, I ran to the toilet and stayed in there, it's a feeling I cannot describe, and which no one seems to understand, it does feel like an anxiety and panic attack, but combined with so much more, it's awful, I have to experience this every single day with so many things I hear or see.

There are some friends I have, that whenever I was with them, they constantly put me down and made me feel like crap. I know you're supposed to surround yourself with positive people, and get rid of the negative people in your life, I just hate losing friends, seen as I hardly have any. Whenever I tell them a problem, they call me a hypochondriac, which until today I never really understood what that meant. Upon researching, I have found out that it is a health anxiety, which I can relate to, I do google too many symptoms and self-diagnoses, I worry about getting poorly because I have a fear of the hospital. But for those people to constantly put me down, and laugh at me and say I'm over-reacting, and throw that word around without no understanding, it makes me feel so low and misunderstood. That said, no one understands me. No one understands the way I am feeling, no one believes that I am suffering. Which is another problem that irritates me, "why are you unhappy and anxious when you have a family, you have so many nice things, blah blah". Materialistic items don't mean anything. Sure, I have a family. Sure, I have nice things. But that doesn't mean I am happy. Look at all the celebrities who are depressed, they have money and luxuries, but they're still unhappy, there are other factors in their life that they hate, so do I. My anxieties and struggles have led to me feeling depressed. I feel empty, alone, I really hate life, it's hard to explain to people, so I always keep quiet, but because it's the new year, I want to come clean, I want to share my experiences with people, and try to get help.

I want to be able to pick up a phone and ring someone, whether that be a takeaway, an appointment, I want to be able to walk down the street and not feel anxious when I see someone, and this may sound weird, but I want to stop feeling that I can't walk properly. Whenever I walk past strangers, I forget how to walk. This may sound weird, and has proved to sound hilarious to some people, but my mind becomes so full of thoughts, I can't concentrate properly, and I feel like I'm going to fall. At Univeristy, where I am currently in my first year, I am struggling with meeting new people, I am struggling with the upcoming presentations, I am struggling to still raise my hand to answer a question. I can't even get up to go to the toilet, it takes me absolutely ages, I sit there overthinking for ages, oh my gosh what if they all stare at me, what if they think I'm weird, what if they start wondering why I've got up, do I look rude, am I going to forget how to walk again? My anxiety has stopped me from making friends, it really is a struggle to talk to someone, I want to start living my life. I feel like I haven't lived yet, and I'm 19, and that's sad. I feel alone, I feel worthless, unconfident, scared, I feel really sick. My mind is taking over, it is full of negative thoughts. I can't go anywhere by myself, my mum rings places for me, comes with me when I get my hair cut, when I want to go shopping, my boyfriend has to pay for meals, do things for me, as I get really upset and always want to cry. Like on holiday, we were sat in a bar, and there were people our age in the room, I started crying, I don't really know why, I felt really anxious and like I'm constantly being judged by everyone. I hate travelling, I hate getting buses and public transports, it makes me feel really anxious. I hate being this way, constantly ill and sick.

It's a real struggle to get up in the morning and get through the day. At night, I lay awake for hours, my mind overthinking every possible thing. I've suffered from OCD too, which I started counselling in year 11 at school for, it became unbearable. I suffered from magical thinking and violent intrusive thoughts. I overthink, I worry, I have to perform rituals to stop things from happening (of course, it's all in my head). Sitting there for half an hour performing the same ritual over and over again, was horrible to experience, I was crying, but I couldn't stop. It's not so bad anymore, but it's still there, with certain things. Now, it's more anger, I hate feeling angry and upset, but my emotions are heightened, and I hate who I am, and how I'm living my life.

This year, I want to start the gym, I want to eat healthy, I want to stop sitting on my arse, the only time I have exercised is January 2015 to March 2015 where I worked out a lot, and it genuinely made me feel a lot happier. It made me feel more confident in my body, instead of me feeling depressed about my weight, it's really hard to look at myself in the mirror, I hate seeing how much weight I am putting on, the cellulite, the stretch marks, my nose, my smile, every little thing, I will over think and over analyse. I want to feel healthy, and hopefully, that will make me more mentally healthy too. I want to feel positive about the effort I'm putting in at Uni, instead of dreading the anticipation of getting my marks back, I have never felt confident with work, I panic and become anxious about everything I do, I do not believe in myself. I've had teachers tell me that, you put yourself down too much, stop worrying, calm down. I want to love life, which I've never felt before, after every year I think about what a crap year it's been... I want to look back on 2016 and say wow. Look how far I've come. Look at all I've accomplished. I want positivity and happiness in my life, I want a completely new mindset, I want to get rid of all these negative thoughts. I want to be me. I want to live my life. 

If any of you are suffering, please seek help. Don't isolate yourself, and keep things to yourself. It's the worst decision I've made. If you ever want to talk to someone, someone you don't know so it's easier, I'm here for you. Feel free to DM me on Twitter, leave a comment below, just get in touch if you want a chat! XOXO B.


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26 comments

  1. Becky i'm so proud of you for posting this omg, don't know how I would have got through P.E without you hahaha, be happy lyyyy!xoxoxoox

    http://lifeofnabs.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Awwww ly gal thank you!! :) and I don't know how we managed to get through P.E, honestly the worst lesson of my life!!! xxxxxxx

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  2. Aw Becky this is so brave of you to be able to share your experience with us. I can definitely relate to some of the things you have said. I mean I have never experienced panic attacks which sound awful but I do get nervous about a lot of things, especially when I was at school like you, I would hate answering questions and constantly feeling judged and would always envy the confident girls. I think it was only at University when I began to grow in confidence, so i'm sure things will get better especially if you get the help you need. Things like this need to be spoken about more so other people can understand better, so I really admire you for doing this. I hope you are able to have a very positive and happy 2016! Mary xx

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    1. Awww thank you so much Mary, that really means a lot to me!! I'm hoping now I'm at Uni, my confidence grows, and slowly everything improves! Your comment has made me feel really happy! I'm wishing you all the best for 2016 babes! xxx

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  3. I am so proud of you for posting this,it was so brave and it has helped me and made me open my eyes.I have always been such an anxious,shy person that hates answering questions at school,being picked on by the teacher and just worry about everything,in year 7,8 and 9 I always use to pretend to be sick to get out of school as I would dread going,though I have been working on it in year 10 it is still there and people always say they understand,but it's hard to believe them as they haven't experienced it.Every year we would go to parent's evenings and all the teachers would say i'm too quiet and I don't get involved - it's not that I don't want to it's just that I feel like I can't,this made me think that my anxiety was a bad thing,but this post has made me realize that it's part of me and that I need to go tell somebody and get help,my anxiety may never go,but I can at least try to help bring it down a little so that I can manage to do more things that I want.

    Thank you!
    Chatter girl | chattergirlsblog.blogspot.co.uk/
    xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much babe!!! That means the world to me! I totally understand how you feel with school, we can relate so much on this, so I'm always always here for you!! And yesss!! parents evening, reports, it was the same old same old every time, that I'm too shy and don't contribute, I'm glad I've finally opened my eyes and realised that that isn't a bad thing at all, we simply can't help it! For your 2016 resolution you should definitely open up about the problems you're experiencing, go talk to someone, anyone, let it all out and if you feel like you can, then try get some help with it, I'm going to try do the same this year! Thank you so much for a lovely comment xxxxx

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  4. You are really brave for posting this! And 2016 will be better, you've already done the first step by uploading this! I can relate to quite a lot of things in this post even though I have never struggled with severe anxiety. Bad experiences at school can really change you and I find it hard to trust people, even if they are loving and accepting. But you're right, mental health issues are often misunderstood and it's hard to explain them to people who haven't experiences the same. I was in a similar situation at the end of 2014 (wanting to finally turn my life around) and I can tell you that things really do get better and that there are people out there who really care. Seeking help & opening up to others really helps! I hope 2016 will be better for you x

    113-things-to-say.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you SO much babe!!! That's so lovely and reassuring of you, I'm glad things got better for you, I'm hoping 2016 is my year to improve my health and wellbeing!! This post will motivate me to seek help, and improve myself, I hope it motivates others to do the same. Thank you for a lovely comment xxxx

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  5. Your so brave for writing this Becky, I can totally relate to some of the things you have gone through and I really admire you for writing it down and sharing this. I wish you all the best for 2016 and keep writing I stumbled across your blog only recently and I have loved looking through your posts.

    Immy - http://thecrazyweirdwonderful.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Thank you so much!! Wow, that means the WORLD to me, you've made me so happy! I hope you have an amazing 2016 lovely! xxx

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  6. You are incredibly brave for posting this post. I can not relate with you 100%, but I do at some point. I do get anxious a lot, I hate public speaking, never in my entire life have I raised a hand to answer a question, I have using public transport, I have making eye contact with people, I constantly get angry at myself for being so shy and weak. I am not even talking about friends that can be counted on one hand as well.
    And I really hope you get better and feel that happiness. I am on my way to it and I hope you will come too :) x


    -Leta | The Nerdy Me

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    1. Aww thank you SO much!!! And the friend thing sucks.. I wish I had a close group of friends, I've never been lucky enough to have that in my life, I think that's one of the missing pieces, positive people to keep me stable, happy and feel loved! I'm glad you're on the path to happiness, and I can only hope you are truly happy this year, thank you for a lovely comment!! xxxxx

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  7. This hits home so deep with me. I've been struggling with anxiety ever since 2012. I wont go in detail, but that year has ever since plagued me till this day. I've managed to try my best to ignore it but it's just caused me to suffer even more. I've been dealing with it with the support of my boyfriend. I think anxiety is something that needs to be acknowledged & faced. I've yet to do this, and I don't think I can. Maybe I'm just not ready yet?

    You're so brave Becky & I have so much respect for you for writing this post. "Forgetting how to walk" when it comes to passing strangers on the street? I honestly deeply blame world society for this. Not you, I feel as if we're programmed to taught to behave a certain way, walk a certain way & talk a certain way. When we're different from other people or what's expected of us we tend to think there is something wrong with US! When in truth we're different because we cannot be controlled. I think its beautiful that you find yourself walking different (as weird as it may seem) but it truly is beautiful. Walk like BECKY! If thats walking weirdly when you walk by strangers thats who you are! Thats awesome.

    I believe if anyone is forced to act away or be put in situations that aren't necessary who they're they become "anxious" & "drawn". Thats like putting a loud & confident woman in a room with a group of quiet introverts. That loud & confident woman starts to become uncomfortable and anxious.Becky is not a loud, hand raising woman. From what I read Becky is, kept to herself, selective by nature & prefer a close knit group of people she's known for a while and even than she has to warm up to them.

    However, I do love that you want change. There is always two sides to people. You can become a woman who holds a long conversation over a phone with your friends and a fearless hand raising young lady at Uni. I think blogging is a great step to your future more confident self.

    Ever try going to blog meetups? That also forces you in situations you feel as if is out of your norm! I loved this post and so far its my favorite of 2016. I can't wait to see your progress.

    xo
    Shannon
    www.onthelists.com

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  8. Thank you for the longest and loveliest comment, it means the world to me! I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with anxiety too, but I'm glad you have commented and I know I am not alone in this, I am ALWAYS here for you if you ever need anyone to talk to! I also confide in my boyfriend about it all, I don't really have anyone else to share it with, so it's amazing to find bloggers in this community who are in the same boat, and I can talk to about my experience with anxiety! Expectations in society are the worst. I totally agree with everything you're saying! That is me all over, you have described me SOOOO well. Honestly, your comment is leaving me so emotional (in a good way), thank you thank you thank you!!! I've never been to a blog meetup, I feel like I live too far away from any, but I'd love to attend one, hopefully I find some near me this year! Thanks again Shannon, you truly are LOVELY and inspiring xxxxxx

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  9. This was such a beautiful blog post, i too suffer with anxiety and it's affected so many aspects of my life. Like you i feel constantly judged for how i look. I have really bad excema on my legs so i have a lot of scars and i'm never able to wear a dress i like or go swimming cause i'm scare of what people will think. I also hate speaking in front of a class, it's terrifying and the thought of even paying for a lipstick in the shop scares me! But i have been getting help and i'm determined to make 2016 a better year!
    An amazing post thank you so much for sharing xxxx

    - Zya and Daizy
    www.ZyaandDaizy.wordpress.com

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    1. Aw thank you! I'm sorry you suffer with it too, I hope 2016 is your year to overcome all your battles! I'm so happy to hear you're getting help, that's amazing, you're a lot braver than me!! Thank you for the lovely comment sweetie xxxxx

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  10. Thank you for being so honest. Today, I sat down to try and write about my experience with anxiety and just couldn't get the words down. It's so brave of you to share this with us all. I just want to tell you that you're not alone - I suffered with anxiety from age 9-12 and then again from 14-17 although I still experience anxiety now. I've gone to the doctor's, which let me tell you helps a ton. I'm the same age as you and also feel as though I haven't lived yet which is so frustrating. But yeah, I know it's tough, but I'm much better atm so you will get better, lovely. I just wanna give you a big hug we're so similar. I wish you a better year and I'm always here for you if you want to talk :)
    Best wishes,
    http://sophie-georgia.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you for a lovely comment! I definitely hope 2016 is my year to get better! Aww virtual hugs then haha, I'd love to talk to you! I hope 2016 is also your year for improvements and so much happiness lovely xxxxx

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  11. I've only just discovered your blog but from someone who suffers from it too I completely understand how difficult this must have been for you. Proud of you for writing it though! I hope opening up will help you talk about it more and find out so many people are here for you. I am! It will be hard but don't let it define you - we all have our good and bad days but there are people who understand so reach out to us if you are having a bad day. Sending lots of love!


    Hana | www.hanarosella.blogspxot.co.uk ♥

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    1. Thank you so much babess!! that means the world to me, you are lovely! xxxxxxx

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  12. This is so brave of you to post! I've posted a couple of posts on mental health and I know how nerve wracking it is haha!
    I relate to the way you feel about doctors, dentists and hospitals. They terrify me to the point I couldn't even visit my Grandad in hospital whilst he was ill. I've turned down blood tests too to check if my health is ok, not good! Its nice to know I'm not alone in this because, a lot of the time, I do.
    I really hope you can get better and do the things you want to in 2016, but well done for being so strong this far! :)
    Jessica | http://thebirdsandbutterflies.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thanks babe! I'll definitely give them all a read!! And aw that's so sad :( it's awful isn't it, they're just soo scary! Thank you, I hope you have good health and lots of happiness and positivity this year xxxxxxx

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  13. I thin kits very brave that you put yourself out there and wrote about your anxiety. I think a lot of people can relate to it. My boyfriend gets anxiety attacks and I also find myself dealing with anxiety. My best friend also has anxiety. It is way more common than you realize and its comforting to other people to know that someone else has to deal with the same paralyzing issues. PHENOMENAL job.

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    1. Thank you love! means a lot! And wishing you, your boyfriend and best friend good health, positivity and happiness this year! xxxxx

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  14. It sounds like we had a very similar time in school and I can relate to so much of what you've written here. I really hope you are able to go to the doctors soon to get some help.When I finally went they gave me beta-blockers, I was scared to take them because I'd heard so many people say medication wasn't the way forward but everyone is different and I believe you should try what is available to you as you deserve to be able to enjoy life.

    Well done for posting this and I'm very sincere when I say that I am here if you ever need someone to talk to. I really wish you could rid yourself of the friends that put you down. I have very few close friends which sometimes gets to me that kind of negativity is just so harmful.

    I feel like my response to your post is quite jumbled haha but I just wanted to show my support xx

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    1. Yes I've heard the same about medication too!! But I definitely want to sort myself out this year and improve my health! Thanks a lot lovely, that means the world knowing you're there for me! And awww, don't worry about it, just commenting means everything to me and makes me so happy! I hope you have a lovely year, full of positivity and good health xxxxxxx

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